my portion and my cup

I feel like it's so clear to me that I was meant to serve students. I remember this time last year, when I first started attending church again. I searched for my place in this new church, but instinctively I knew, somehow, that I wanted to work with teenagers. It had been on my heart for quite some time before last year. I kept making lists of where I wanted to volunteer, who I wanted to help.

Here's the problem--I never did anything about it. Lists are great, if you follow through. I'd look at the lists in disappointment and wonder why I felt so unfulfilled.

It wasn't until several people urged me to get involved with student ministry at my church that I finally took the plunge. I'm so ever grateful for their encouragements, the positivity they shared with me, and the simple ways they told me, "I see this in you."

Why was I so incapable of doing this myself? It's one of my greatest faults, I believe. I'm a dreamer, which in and of itself sounds fantastic, but I place these walls around my dreams, walls that say "You could never do this, be this, have this." And I dream and dream and dream and go nowhere.

I find security in my dreams. Some days I even try to sleep in longer, just so I can craft a dream of my own doing, a dream where I am that person I want to be, and I'm living the life I want to live.

I'm craving this life and not letting myself be happy with the life I have. I'm looking for happiness in a worldly life and not seeking my happiness in Jesus. I'm creating the life I think I should have, and not seeking the life God wants for me.

I'm a dreamer, not a doer. But I hope to change that. I have a great and high wall to climb. But since I built that wall myself, I know God will guide me on how to tear it down. I want to stop wanting a dream life and start living the life God meant for me when he created me.

"Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure." Psalm 16:5