grandma

Matriarch, for years, always strong, so opinionated. Never, absolutely never, afraid to tell anyone and everyone exactly what you were thinking.

I always thought there'd be more time. That's what happens to everyone, doesn't it? I remember the weekends, recently, we'd go shopping, lunch, and you'd always ask me about me. You cared about my life and all the boring details.

And I hope so hard you knew I cared about you too. But that time together was precious and our way of showing love.

Today we scratched off lottery tickets to honor you, because that's what we do. We won, of course, because you would have loved that. We laughed, despite it all, and know you wouldn't want us to cry.

Heart wrenching, twisted, so unexpected that this was the time for you to leave us. But exactly as you'd want it, although it pains me you were alone. I distract myself today and forget for awhile, and then when you flash back in my mind I'm angry and sad all at the same time, and it still feels so unreal to me. Are you really gone?

You wouldn't want us to cry, but I can't help the tears that fall fast, hot, drying my throat with sobs, as I try to keep it in and mourn silently, because I want to be strong like you, true and open, but I'm afraid to show this weakness. I know I must be strong for my sisters, my brother, be the responsible eldest child and assist my parents, but right now I just miss you. And will miss you. I know these tears honor how much I love you, and I will try to wear them proudly.

And I'm without words here, at the end, because these emotions can't be described. I don't know how or what to feel, but I am trying to turn to my God to lead me through.