falling into sin

I disobey, so often, too often, and everytime I think "never again"
But then "never again" comes again and I fall fast and hard into a too-common sin
A pattern of repeats, harms, blatant disobedience and thinking I don't care
And then, as always, a pile of shame, building a fort high around me, packing it in
Making the walls impenetrable
And that voice telling me the top is too high for rescue
Deeper in, down, face flat to the floor and eyes shut, glued, tight because I keep on breaking
I know better, I always know better, telling myself over and over, why can't I disrupt the chain
Why can't I be that good person who doesn't do these things and always stops before the temptation
Gets to be too much
Why can't I? I can't do anything
That continued reliance on I, dependence, pride, me - I will always fall, because I am imperfect
Take away that I and place in another and maybe, just maybe, He can change me
And then it's not a maybe, it's reality, and the reality that there is a He that saved me
A He that loves me, every time I fall, every time I cry, every time I suffer because of my
Own disobedience
The He who gave it all, so I could have it all, even though I waste it all
All the time, no matter what, no matter when, no matter where, no matter how I fail
No matter how many times, He sacrificed for me, He loved me, wait, He LOVES me,
And I live in him, Forever

such a great responsibility

I've been given such great responsibilities, and I'm sure many more will be laid upon my plate as I grow older. All I can do is continue to trust that God is placing me where he wills me to be; where I'll serve him completely. And I can feel this so wholly that I know it's true. It's an amazing thing and something I constantly think about. How can I be amazing, looking forward to that day Jesus says to me, "well done"? But, still, I always need to remind myself: it's never about me, without Him, I'm nothing, without his sacrifice, I would be hopeless, without a purpose, and no amount of serving or good works can earn me this grace.