not my world

It's been awhile, and I've been forgetting how to write
How to craft the words on my heart into sentences and express
God, oh God, why does this world hurt so much
And I'm one of the lucky ones
That's absolutely for sure

I have it easy
So, so easy

Yet
The void space inside me where something belongs
I try to pour into it
Too much
The stuff that doesn't fit
Everything wrong, wrong, wrong

This is not my world
Not my home
Just a temporary space for this temporary body
A beautiful, often indescribable place
But often horrible

Forgetting
Forgetting that none of that was made to satisfy

Remembering
I'm trying so hard to remember that
He fills
To the top, overflowing
To the place where I find that unspeakable joy

Imagine, just imagine
I'm speechless at this
On this world?

How desperately, astoundingly
There
In my true land of citizenship 
Too much, so much, so, so much
 

poetry.skydyed.org

I'm still here, but also there - a place of my own, again and again and again
I can't hide from it, and it's time to be alive again

But no longer just words, but image, seeing, and hopefully, a little beauty

Tying together my words, His world, in my own little way

christmas this year

And they'll say Christmas, this year, was the one that topped them all
A love, overflowing, threaded through the season
Friends that showered care, laughter that glued wounds
And all encompassing, remembering how He came
As one of us, poor, utterly normal, yet extraordinary because of those details
God knew these choices, this way, this birth would be The Story of all lifetimes
His Story that makes this Christmas, this year, all years, forever, undeserved, grace, astonishing, indescribable

falling into sin

I disobey, so often, too often, and everytime I think "never again"
But then "never again" comes again and I fall fast and hard into a too-common sin
A pattern of repeats, harms, blatant disobedience and thinking I don't care
And then, as always, a pile of shame, building a fort high around me, packing it in
Making the walls impenetrable
And that voice telling me the top is too high for rescue
Deeper in, down, face flat to the floor and eyes shut, glued, tight because I keep on breaking
I know better, I always know better, telling myself over and over, why can't I disrupt the chain
Why can't I be that good person who doesn't do these things and always stops before the temptation
Gets to be too much
Why can't I? I can't do anything
That continued reliance on I, dependence, pride, me - I will always fall, because I am imperfect
Take away that I and place in another and maybe, just maybe, He can change me
And then it's not a maybe, it's reality, and the reality that there is a He that saved me
A He that loves me, every time I fall, every time I cry, every time I suffer because of my
Own disobedience
The He who gave it all, so I could have it all, even though I waste it all
All the time, no matter what, no matter when, no matter where, no matter how I fail
No matter how many times, He sacrificed for me, He loved me, wait, He LOVES me,
And I live in him, Forever

city / nature

It's our city competing in the always battle against nature
And nature, that awesome power of a pounding waterfall peeking through the cityscape, declaring its right to exist, be here, survive and be how God made it to be
The city, oh, how I love the city and it's people, the masses, living and loving in a crowd that craves connections, people on people and people for people
And the beautiful part of all, God made the natural, the basic, the beauty, the people, the water, the trees, the city, that feeling, emotion -- all art in God's own way, God's infinitely most intricately complex thoughtfully designed and ever-loved way
Love the city
Love God's nature

missed connections

feeling like I'm missing those connections
the ones that tie a knot around the heart
pull you closer in, deeper and get to the real
the honesty, the togetherness of that
relationship
and I'm missing these connections
edges folding in, one over another
no gaps to let anyone, anything, none of it
slide in and catch me
catch me to the loose threads
stuck, tangled, in all that mess
but the needed mess to close up
that lonely bitter cold and bring in
the warmth

too much

got a bunch
a too too much bunch
a bunch of too much
too much to do
always too much
all the time
all the day
every night
every hour
and I
I just
push push
push and push
under the surface
chipping and breaking
struggling to breathe above
water

don't know what i'm doing

I don't know what I'm doing
But so glad I'm doing it
Because if not me, then who?
Sure, maybe someone else
But this is what I'm meant to do
All in the plan God has for me
One step at a time
And while I may not be able to see
Exactly why
God reveals Himself to me
Here and there
When I faithfully seek Him
And I realize the role I play
And I lead
And do my best
And I trust, trust, trust
Through God's power
Anything can happen

Inspired by the sermon today at Momentum Christian Church.

enough?

if only i did enough
was enough
prayed enough
read enough
loved enough
smiled enough
thanked enough
studied enough
praised enough

maybe
i'd be enough
enough to close
the colossal chasm
I create
between God and myself

but
that "enough"?
the enough I try to fill
and I obsess, worry, think
over

God gave me that enough

Jesus is enough
enough to fill
all the aching cravings
of a heart and soul
fill them up enough
to overflowing

grace, love, salvation, forgiveness, mercy
so many things to fill the enough
satisfy me in the right way

the details

I can't help but wonder
at the beauty of this life
The complexity of design
and the care and love
drawn into every single cell
of every single being
And I try and find the
beauty in the ugly
The so-called undesirables
and the just-not-quite-rights
But there is something
majestic in just living,
breathing, laughing, loving
The smile on a face
The feeling of a wet raindrop
or the sound of resounding thunder
The heat from a flame
or a shiver down the spine
The beauty is in the details
The mysterious, miraculous,
impossibly designed
details of our lives

I wrote this tonight, reflecting on my life over the past few weeks, and also just thinking about how beautiful this world is that God created. Every little detail of every living creature is beautifully and mysteriously designed, and I am grateful for the complexity of the human life, despite the challenges that come with living it!

fearless

Could I be fearless
just for a day?
Set all my worries aside
away.
Keep my heart set on
faith, not fear,
leave it all behind
and listen and hear
God's voice calling
me
Telling me I'm special
don't you see?
Nothing can take away
the love
I have for you, isn't that
enough?
Just for a day
take my fear away.

I wrote this today. I'm reading Fearless by Max Lucado--this is an area I struggle with, constantly, giving up my fears and worries and anxieties to God and trusting him completely to take care of me and get me through the dark times.

lost

A year ago
Years ago
I was lost
On a path to
Self destruction
Digging deeper
Losing myself and
my faith
Along the way
But Jesus led me
back
To that
Stairway to heaven
As I walk
Eyes upward
ever upward
Gazing in love at Him
Thank you.

I wrote this yesterday after reflecting on the way God has changed my life this year and really has turned me from a destructive path onto a path with many new opportunities and a newly found desire to serve.

self

A poet's heart seems
forever broken.
Despair and ache
around every cold corner.
The truth in this
matter, however, is that
we are the deep. The
endless collection of
thought and feeling.
We say what the world
bleeds.

My attempt at an introspective look at why I write poetry.